well, you wanna know the difference between you and me?
*slips on sunglasses*
i make this look good
-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?
- Thread starter hydrophilic attack
- Start date
*slips on sunglasses*
i make this look good
Yup, it also leaves out other platforms to meet through, like gaming, or forums. So I think the 'walk up to a total stranger in public' and end up as significant others is even more rare.
This is why you don't have human friends and you eat pretzels for breakfast.
hey now, me mum says i need to eat carbs everyday if i ever want to be an airline pilot
To be fair to assholes, if all your friends and colleagues are dudebros, macho men and incels, then that's slim pickings!! >:)This might be helpful to know
https://mic.com/articles/112062/the...icant-others-is-not-what-you-think#.qctnJODC2
I feel like this is one of those questions where, if you ask 100 different women, you'd get 100 different answers, with even more caveats to each of those answers. Except you made your question so broad that you left almost all of it open to interpretation so the information you're getting back is relatively meaningless - you've let us all envision a very vague scenario in our own unique ways and we've probably each filled in the blanks differently.
I don't think I could ever give a blanket answer to this question. Much of it would be dependent on my day, my mood, what was going on in my life at the time, where we were, who I was with, what I was doing, my age at the time, the impression the guy gave, his appearance, his age, his mannerisms, what he said, how he approached me, etc. And even then the only way I'd be able to give a definitive answer to a hypothetical like this is if you gave me a very specific situation to respond to rather than this broad idea that allows me to shape it into whatever positive or negative experience the question first brings to mind.
I'm sure any number of women who've read this can bring up lots of ways it should NOT be done, because we've all probably had those happen. Some of us may have had good experiences too. There is no rule of thumb you could take away from any of these answers and apply to everyone.
I don't think I could ever give a blanket answer to this question. Much of it would be dependent on my day, my mood, what was going on in my life at the time, where we were, who I was with, what I was doing, my age at the time, the impression the guy gave, his appearance, his age, his mannerisms, what he said, how he approached me, etc. And even then the only way I'd be able to give a definitive answer to a hypothetical like this is if you gave me a very specific situation to respond to rather than this broad idea that allows me to shape it into whatever positive or negative experience the question first brings to mind.
I'm sure any number of women who've read this can bring up lots of ways it should NOT be done, because we've all probably had those happen. Some of us may have had good experiences too. There is no rule of thumb you could take away from any of these answers and apply to everyone.
OP
OP
haha, sorry, i wasn't sure of the english word for the city equivalent of the town square (large open space with lots of people and shops and restaurants around). is it plaza?
If you're approaching someone solely for the purpose of getting their number or dating them in a public area: Don't.
I've talked with people on the bus, train etc without issue because my end goal isn't getting in bed with that man or woman. People aren't stupid and can pick up on your body language too. Then again, I'm also a tiny gay nerdy guy. The norms also change unfortunately depending on your skin color, since I've known a few cases of black guys being unfairly profiled just because they're black.
I've talked with people on the bus, train etc without issue because my end goal isn't getting in bed with that man or woman. People aren't stupid and can pick up on your body language too. Then again, I'm also a tiny gay nerdy guy. The norms also change unfortunately depending on your skin color, since I've known a few cases of black guys being unfairly profiled just because they're black.
I don't know why you're getting mad at me for asking a question. I've never dated before and rarely socialize. I don't want to be that guy who creeps chicks out by asking'em out. That's why I'm asking on a forum. I don't use Tinder because the chances of me finding anyone on there is slim to none. Only attractive people use Tinder and I'm not attractive so why bother if the end result is nothing?
I'm a guy, but I honestly dont like any stranger trying to have a conversation with me out of nowhere. We can exchange a few words here and there, but there's a point when I just cant/dont want to keep the conversation going.
As for me doing the approach? Never tried, probably never will.
I picture the scenario in a bus btw. Since I spend like 80% of my time outside commuting
As for me doing the approach? Never tried, probably never will.
I picture the scenario in a bus btw. Since I spend like 80% of my time outside commuting
That's complete bullshit. Get Bumble, start swiping in both the looking for friends and dating categories.
Go out with people with no alterior motive other than to socialise. You'll build confidence for many things .
It's pretty depressing how that is such a difficult concept for some people to grasp. The idea that both fears are anywhere near being equal is just utterly incredulous.
It's also worth noting that the guys who are regularly hitting on women in the streets aren't even worried about the fear of failure. It's just a numbers game. But the women involved don't have that luxury.
It's mind-boggling how women are supposed to care so much about what these creepy dudes are thinking, without any thought going in the opposite direction.
It's the status quo. Popular movies, popular tv shows, they look at things from the male protagonist's point of view. How does he feel. How does this effect him. How do his male peers think of this. What is he gonna do about it? Dare to ask what any of the women want or think and suddenly it's a chick flick.
If you're going to be defeatist and shut down all the legitimate paths to a relationship that exist, then that's on you. Maybe what's affecting you most is a lack of confidence. But, like, that's not on the girl. It's not her fault you can't hold your head up high.
I never said that was on the girl? Where did I even imply that? I know I have no confidence, I know I'm a loser. Why do we have to bring this up? No shit sherlock. I could never date if i could never love myself. I can't look in the fucking mirror without being ashamed. I hate myself, I just fucking hate myself and the way I look. Thats the way life is.
I don't know how to be social. It scares me. I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Just because the OP says that this is a non-PUA approach, it doesn't actually make it not a PUA approach. It's the same fucking playbook.
You came into a thread asking women if they like being cold approached to bitch about your shitty love life. Don't pretend like you're the one under attack here.
Maybe look into a social coaching club or some such? Such things do exist; my school campus has one. Also it sounds like you might have anxiety?
A lot of it is body language. If you're scared, people can tell that. So you have to learn behavioral tips and tricks to not be scared.
Hmmm, this took some turns. Makes me wonder how I'd interact with a lot of you when I was 14 or so. Probably not well.
You should work on at least liking yourself before getting a date because if that did work out, that's a ton of baggage you're bring to the table. So for now, just focus on you. Rest more, exercise, a haircut maybe, do things you enjoy. Maybe seek counseling.
Occasionally I'll exchange a brief glance or smile with somebody on the train or walking down the street, but there's a mental barrier that would never allow me to act upon this exchange. I don't want to impose upon somebody. The only place I'll act upon it would be at a bar, party, or some other kind of gathering where the people in attendance are there to socialise with people.
---
Thought I would share some perspective since this thread mostly contains western responses.
In Japan the "art" of pick-up is called "nampa". It generally has a negative meaning when heard by people outside of a social circle, those whom you are not close to, or those whom are above you (teachers, family members), but is usually viewed positively by close friends and sometimes coworkers or even bosses (who may encourage you when under the influence of alcohol).
Speaking of alcohol, standing bars are basically 100% about nampa. Japanese guys assume that 100% of girls are there to be picked up, which is why you will almost never see couples at standing bars. What you will see however is a barrage of men hopping from table to table attempting to secure a lady friend. Since the balance in these establishment is usually less than 1:3 (decreasing over time) and the amount of people engaging in nampa is usually greater than 2:1 (increasing over time), what this leads to is an annoyingly shitty situation for women – unless conversing with drunk, single (though they are common to be "single for tonight") men is your thing. It is quite a spectacle to watch however.
At "open-space" izakayas (seated bars where food is served and groups of customers usually stay a couple of hours, typically with tables which are separated but sometimes can be close together (usually at the cheaper places such as those with "nomihodai" (all you can drink for usually 60 or 90 minutes))), you will sometimes see nampa depending on the customer base. Usually if there are a lot of tables confined to groups of strictly boys or girls it will happen.
Similarly, there is also a way of meeting people called "goukon" which is basically a group of 2 - 10 men meeting with an equal amount of girls, usually arranged by somebody with common friends but can also be arranged by staff at specialty bars – in which case the men are usually required to pay all costs, so the incentive for women to attend these establishments is that they can eat and drink for free. The people you will be matched with are "random" (up to the bar staff, so I hope you have friends there), but you can ask to change after 20 or 30 minutes or so.
If you don't like to drink or attend these types of establishments (although a majority of the population does drink), you are confined to:
1. Meeting somebody in your university class – this probably accounts for most young love;
2. Meeting somebody by chance in your workplace – unlikely, but it happens and since most are employed by huge corporations and society encourages women to give up their jobs after marriage there is usually little repercussion should it end poorly;
3. Being set up with somebody through a friend – if you are lucky enough to know somebody with a single friend. Although! It should be noted that if you are a 25+ year old woman and still single, you are generally viewed negatively by both society and prospective matches. Each additional year adds further suspicion.
4. Dating apps. Almost definitely the most common method for people 23+ years old. All of your single friends are on Pairs. Tinder has gained popularity in recent years too, though it is generally used for finding relationships rather than hook-ups.
If you're not in university, work for a small company/outside of a large city/with non-single people, and don't have any single friends-of-friends, you're confined to dating apps.
There is a massive social stigma against talking to strangers in public. If you are a woman and are approached by a man in a public setting, you may even be protected by people with good intentions, such as the elderly or motherly-type figures. This is the case anywhere, be it a train platform, a grocery store, or even a café. Asking for a lighter – even from your fellow sex – can be enough to warrant suspicion.
Any place where a woman can feel "trapped" (such as when they are seated) is an absolute no-go. In some cases you may be asked to leave. But then again, it may be your lucky day. That phone number you just got, though? She probably only gave it to you so that you will leave her alone.
Still, you will occasionally see men approach women. Usually you will see them walk on past quickly, but some with weaker willpower may pause – in which case you can often sense their fear.
Unless you are elderly, in which case anything goes. Talk to everybody!
---
Thought I would share some perspective since this thread mostly contains western responses.
In Japan the "art" of pick-up is called "nampa". It generally has a negative meaning when heard by people outside of a social circle, those whom you are not close to, or those whom are above you (teachers, family members), but is usually viewed positively by close friends and sometimes coworkers or even bosses (who may encourage you when under the influence of alcohol).
Speaking of alcohol, standing bars are basically 100% about nampa. Japanese guys assume that 100% of girls are there to be picked up, which is why you will almost never see couples at standing bars. What you will see however is a barrage of men hopping from table to table attempting to secure a lady friend. Since the balance in these establishment is usually less than 1:3 (decreasing over time) and the amount of people engaging in nampa is usually greater than 2:1 (increasing over time), what this leads to is an annoyingly shitty situation for women – unless conversing with drunk, single (though they are common to be "single for tonight") men is your thing. It is quite a spectacle to watch however.
At "open-space" izakayas (seated bars where food is served and groups of customers usually stay a couple of hours, typically with tables which are separated but sometimes can be close together (usually at the cheaper places such as those with "nomihodai" (all you can drink for usually 60 or 90 minutes))), you will sometimes see nampa depending on the customer base. Usually if there are a lot of tables confined to groups of strictly boys or girls it will happen.
Similarly, there is also a way of meeting people called "goukon" which is basically a group of 2 - 10 men meeting with an equal amount of girls, usually arranged by somebody with common friends but can also be arranged by staff at specialty bars – in which case the men are usually required to pay all costs, so the incentive for women to attend these establishments is that they can eat and drink for free. The people you will be matched with are "random" (up to the bar staff, so I hope you have friends there), but you can ask to change after 20 or 30 minutes or so.
If you don't like to drink or attend these types of establishments (although a majority of the population does drink), you are confined to:
1. Meeting somebody in your university class – this probably accounts for most young love;
2. Meeting somebody by chance in your workplace – unlikely, but it happens and since most are employed by huge corporations and society encourages women to give up their jobs after marriage there is usually little repercussion should it end poorly;
3. Being set up with somebody through a friend – if you are lucky enough to know somebody with a single friend. Although! It should be noted that if you are a 25+ year old woman and still single, you are generally viewed negatively by both society and prospective matches. Each additional year adds further suspicion.
4. Dating apps. Almost definitely the most common method for people 23+ years old. All of your single friends are on Pairs. Tinder has gained popularity in recent years too, though it is generally used for finding relationships rather than hook-ups.
If you're not in university, work for a small company/outside of a large city/with non-single people, and don't have any single friends-of-friends, you're confined to dating apps.
There is a massive social stigma against talking to strangers in public. If you are a woman and are approached by a man in a public setting, you may even be protected by people with good intentions, such as the elderly or motherly-type figures. This is the case anywhere, be it a train platform, a grocery store, or even a café. Asking for a lighter – even from your fellow sex – can be enough to warrant suspicion.
Any place where a woman can feel "trapped" (such as when they are seated) is an absolute no-go. In some cases you may be asked to leave. But then again, it may be your lucky day. That phone number you just got, though? She probably only gave it to you so that you will leave her alone.
Still, you will occasionally see men approach women. Usually you will see them walk on past quickly, but some with weaker willpower may pause – in which case you can often sense their fear.
Unless you are elderly, in which case anything goes. Talk to everybody!
Step 1, try my advice. I'm sure like most people with low self esteem you're just an average looking dude.
I've never approached a woman in a public place. I don't even approach them in bars and clubs any more.
Partly because I don't have the confidence and partly because I don't want to bother them or make them feel uncomfortable.
Life is weird isn't it... I live in a big city and every day I pass tens, if not hundreds, of women in my age group who look interesting and attractive to me, but interacting with them feels like an entirely alien concept. Like even if I just said hello in the street most people would look at me like i'm crazy. So I have to tap away at my little device to try and connect with women who I may have zero attraction to should I end up meeting them.
I would love to meet someone in a more natural non-digital way but I rarely meet anyone new in my friendship groups, or even if I do meet someone at a party or whatever I have so little practice with flirting/talking to girls who aren't my friends, that I have no idea how to ask them out, or make a move without being a creep.
Partly because I don't have the confidence and partly because I don't want to bother them or make them feel uncomfortable.
Life is weird isn't it... I live in a big city and every day I pass tens, if not hundreds, of women in my age group who look interesting and attractive to me, but interacting with them feels like an entirely alien concept. Like even if I just said hello in the street most people would look at me like i'm crazy. So I have to tap away at my little device to try and connect with women who I may have zero attraction to should I end up meeting them.
I would love to meet someone in a more natural non-digital way but I rarely meet anyone new in my friendship groups, or even if I do meet someone at a party or whatever I have so little practice with flirting/talking to girls who aren't my friends, that I have no idea how to ask them out, or make a move without being a creep.
*sigh* I'm sorry, it's been a long stressful day. I'm asking for curiosity sake. This really isn't the right thread to ask this. I apologize for derailing.
I don't know, I don't have the confidence to ask Women out let alone talk to anyone. But, I don't want to come off as creeper. That's why I'm asking where is the best place to meet Women. This is derailing. I'm sorry.
I think it's contextual, and you shouldn't go from 0-100 depending on the place.
In a bar and she looks at you and smiles- great, say hi and who is she there with? If she says "I'm here with my boyfriend" or something dismissive- great, clear signal to not push further. If she says "here alone, how are you going?" then great, speak to her more! Everyone wins.
If you're on public transport and she's got her headphones in and not looking at anyone... why even say hi? She wants to be left alone.
I think the weird in between is where people are getting 'angry' over the suggestion that they can't talk to women. When women are saying "don't approach me like this in public" I don't think they are literally meaning "I don't want anyone who doesn't already know me to ever say anything to me ever" (I mean if they are... well that's a seperate issue) they just don't want every chance meeting to be them rejecting some guy asking for their number. Read the tea leaves, guys!
In a bar and she looks at you and smiles- great, say hi and who is she there with? If she says "I'm here with my boyfriend" or something dismissive- great, clear signal to not push further. If she says "here alone, how are you going?" then great, speak to her more! Everyone wins.
If you're on public transport and she's got her headphones in and not looking at anyone... why even say hi? She wants to be left alone.
I think the weird in between is where people are getting 'angry' over the suggestion that they can't talk to women. When women are saying "don't approach me like this in public" I don't think they are literally meaning "I don't want anyone who doesn't already know me to ever say anything to me ever" (I mean if they are... well that's a seperate issue) they just don't want every chance meeting to be them rejecting some guy asking for their number. Read the tea leaves, guys!
It's fine. But it honestly sounds like your issues aren't really with women per se, so much as they're your own issues, and being unable to talk to women is just an extension of that. Solving your self-esteem issues would also probably help you in this category too.
You have to like what you see in the mirror, and that's not easy to change. I know that much from experience. >_<
Conversations can emerge organically and at that point it should be a balanced and natural expression of human interaction. If people are genuinely attracted to each other then let it happen.
Unfortunately there are so many oblivious dudes with bad signal recognition that irl women have to be on defense. I will talk to my seat mate politely on the plane or gregariously at a party. But I am instinctively aware that there's an imbalance to the point that I often quickly interject that I have a wife and daughter to remove bad flirting from her calculation. But every guy should understand or learn that while you may well be a nice guy - any woman you strike up conversation with has encountered loads of jerks and weirdoes. And dudes who started nice and turned weird.
There is zero point in fretting that you should have said something and that she could have been the love of your life. If she agreed you'd have an email or cellphone number or Facebook request. That's where Craigslist missed connections go to die:
YOU: Cute, coquettish emo supermodel glancing nervously at me on the M-Train. ME: Shy but heavily pierced Zelda fan. I feel like we made a real connection when you put your bag on your lap and looked away. Let's get married.
It's completely imbalanced. Sure it sucks that you have to be polite and cautious to a fault because of a very significant number of weirdos, but just balance it out against the absolute knowledge that women are disproportionately targeted for unwanted attention. That does not mean a free subscription to incel weekly. It just means you ought to be a million percent sure that she wants to talk to you. And that she won't be the last woman you ever meet.
Harder if you're a teenager and everything is confusing and much more chaotic.
Unfortunately there are so many oblivious dudes with bad signal recognition that irl women have to be on defense. I will talk to my seat mate politely on the plane or gregariously at a party. But I am instinctively aware that there's an imbalance to the point that I often quickly interject that I have a wife and daughter to remove bad flirting from her calculation. But every guy should understand or learn that while you may well be a nice guy - any woman you strike up conversation with has encountered loads of jerks and weirdoes. And dudes who started nice and turned weird.
There is zero point in fretting that you should have said something and that she could have been the love of your life. If she agreed you'd have an email or cellphone number or Facebook request. That's where Craigslist missed connections go to die:
YOU: Cute, coquettish emo supermodel glancing nervously at me on the M-Train. ME: Shy but heavily pierced Zelda fan. I feel like we made a real connection when you put your bag on your lap and looked away. Let's get married.
It's completely imbalanced. Sure it sucks that you have to be polite and cautious to a fault because of a very significant number of weirdos, but just balance it out against the absolute knowledge that women are disproportionately targeted for unwanted attention. That does not mean a free subscription to incel weekly. It just means you ought to be a million percent sure that she wants to talk to you. And that she won't be the last woman you ever meet.
Harder if you're a teenager and everything is confusing and much more chaotic.
There's nothing wrong with it at all as long as you act very nice and civil. Some women think of it as almost a form of harassment, but look, if you go up to a girl who's in the middle of her workout at the gym, for example, and tap her on the shoulder and say "excuse me, I just want to say you are incredibly beautiful and have a gorgeous smile" as they are removing their headphones and caching their breath, what you're doing is proving your point that you are in fact an under-appreciated nice shy guy, just like late 90's Jason Biggs, not a creep who doesn't understand what boundaries are. If she can't handle that, she doesn't deserve you.
That comment that if women approached you all the time, you'd be happy? Now imagine it's that fat, ugly girl you knew from grade school that picked her nose and wipes it on people, and now imagine she is bigger than you and maybe wants to rape you. Now does it sound like fun? I mean sure, we women are the same...give me a line of lean, tall men with a smoldering gaze all telling me that they find me attractive and I'll be flattered. Reality though is some guy who is the equivalent of a girl with massive amounts of makeup smeared all over herself and thinks she looks hot coming onto you while you're thinking you might wake up in a tub missing some organs. So sure, small talk is sometimes good. If you happen to click personality wise, great! But coming up to a random girl and drooling all over her (whether you're self aware enough to realize it or not) or making suggestive comments can be super creepy—you don't know what she's into and it might not be you. So just treat her like a normal person? I mean, how do you people make friends? It's the same. And if she doesn't seem like she wants to talk, leave her alone. It's really no different from same sex friends, unless you're just looking for a lay, and there are avenues for that that aren't so public.
What you describe sounds, well, it's harassment.
Unless I'm ignoring some kind of sarcasm, uh.
Ha! Yeah it sounds nice in theory, but that is assuming so much. Being hit on by a stranger while just doing your thing is different from having a friendly chat organically like you might on the bus if you both see something funny happen.
The majority of the time, a stranger hitting on you feels more like being hassled by the "do you have time to talk about Jesus" person on the street, only they want to fuck you, and you immediately know you don't wanna. Statistically, I'm sure there are people who love a stranger hitting on them out of nowhere, just like there are probably people who want to chat about Jesus and read that magazine. This world has all types.
I don't like it. It stresses me out, I don't know anything about them, and the interaction can become nasty or scary fast. The people who approach in this way can have a very thick skin and ignore hints that I wanna leave. It's safer to be polite in case of a psycho, but ugh. Then you need to be on alert for weirdness after disengaging (person might follow you around the store, or to your home/work).
Not that I approach women randomly but seeing that "cold approaches" are so frowned upon is eye opening. So we should only stick to online dating, social networking, events, bars, etc? Genuine question because I've always been under the impression "you see a woman you like, you ask her out". To be clear, if I was to see a woman exercising, with headphones on, involved with something, or is just clearly busy, I wouldn't think to approach them. I'm not against online dating or anything, and I'm not a very social person to begin with so I'm always keeping to myself out in public, but I would think there is some benefit to actual social interaction even in terms of first contact.
Some aspects of your post seem to hint at some kind of...it's almost like you're implying there can be increased social privileges resulting from being viewed as attractive/sexy. In reality this is not the case and there are never benefits to being viewed as more attractive than most. The statistics have shown that your social or professional life is never easier in any way when you're considered attractive by your peers. If anything, it is far, far more challenging (though there are some studies yet to be proven as reliable which suggest being viewed as too attractive may lead to it's own unique drawbacks, like increased amounts of sexual harassment, though this is shaky at best and up for debate really).
Last edited:
Don't really mind someone striking up a conversation out of the blue, provided I'm not wearing my headphones or doing some other "leave me alone" kind of behavior. Dislike being flirted with or having strangers ask for my contact info randomly.
This thread got off the rails pretty quick. Simply speaking to someone you find attractive is not even close to cat calling, or predatory. A normal person will read the situation and if the response is a polite "fuck off" they will do so. Implying they're in the wrong for making the attempt is insane.
Sounds shaky to me, and I'm not really making any social statement of that sort. For me, personally, I only am romantically interested in guys I find attractive. And if a guy is going to come on to me based on how attractive he thinks I am, you can be sure I'll be sizing up his attractiveness too. I'm talking about the guys who are like "hell yeah!" answering the question about if they'd like random women to ask them out—I assume they're imagining a bunch of big breasted beauties, when reality is actually very different and I'm trying to get people to understand from a female perspective. That said, looks are subjective, and I've turned down guys I thought were handsome because they were too direct and I just felt like I'm probably the fifth girl they've tried this with today and I don't like feeling utterly replaceable. Doesn't make me want to date. At least if I know someone as a friend first, I can be sure they're making moves because they like me personally and not because they saw me sitting there and decided they wanted to try to bone the female creature.