So not exactly a dating dilemma but I am in a bit of a pickle and people will tell me to let go and find someone else and they are probably right but whatever. There's this girl I once saw years ago, when I saw her I just thought she was cute but didn't think anything would come out of it especially because she was going to go abroad for a whole year in a few months time. But she started showing interest in me, she wanted to meet me, talk to me and hang out with me. Within a month I revealed my feelings to her and she told me she felt the same but is not sure what to do because she is going to be away for a year. I said let's just make the best use of time we have. And until the day she left we had an amazing time and had so many moments. We had physical intimacy but I never had sex with her despite the fact that she said she thinks of it too. In hindsight I probably should have but she used to tell me that even though she wants to, she think's she'll feel hurt and miss me all the time once she is away and she does not want to be in a position where she feels miserable for a whole year. So I thought to myself, look no big deal there's a reason we are so close and we can just pick it up later maybe not exactly where we leave but hey we already like each other so much so what could go wrong. Plus she told me that she'll never forget how I make her feel because I mean something special to her. Boy was I naive!
The one year she was away we kept in touch frequently, I even went to visit her once when I was around. But when she came back she was distant immediately, I could feel her pushing me away and I never understood the reason why. So I asked her and it seemed like sometimes it was committment issues, sometimes it was something else. Pretty soon it all blew up and we stopped interacting fully for years. I dated a few women in this time, had fun but none of them made me feel the same way as her. (Well one of them came close but she had to leave town for good and we called it off and said goodbye)
But anyways last year we met up again and recently we started talking and hanging out a lot. I started feeling something again for her so I asked her out, to which she basically said while I have everything that attracts her, there is one thing I lack for her i.e. she doesn't find me sexually attractive and since she wants to go into her next relationship with the intention of it lasting a lifetime (same as me) she doesn't feel ready for that kind of committment yet to give it a try and see if the spark can come back. As she isn't even sure what she'll do or where she'll be this year but knows that she will have to start thinking about it and take action next year if she wants that in her life. I mean fair play, but if she didn't know me much or at all and I had asked her out she'd probably taken the chance regardless of her view on committment as I have everything that she finds attractive in a person and without the years of cut contact the sexual interest would be there from the start too, but all that's what if and doesn't matter much if she has her mind made up right now that it's not even worth a try.
Then she told me how now I'll be like every other guy and stop talking to her because she wouldn't go out with me. Thing is, she brings this "you'll be like every other guy" all the time. "You'll be like every other guy and hurt me after I get close to you", "You'll be like every other guy who just makes empty promises". Some of those she told me she was wrong about...the last one especially from the around time when I first revealed my feelings for her. She told me she was wrong about me and from there on we got closer.
That's all fine by me, but I'm kinda tired of being compared to every other guy when I've proven time and again that for I am different. What bugs me is that how being like every other guy she's been with is a negative, but when it comes to sexual attraction it's a positive as in "Every other guy I've dated I've was sexually attracted to from the start, but not to you". So I asked what about all those years ago? Was there no spark? To which she dismissed it as "Yes but for like 5 minutes. I was going through a breakup that I didn't get over with until recently". I know for a fact it was a lot more than 5 minutes, hell I still have messages from her from that time to prove otherwise lol. So I guess I was a rebound or an emotional support for when she was lonely only to be forgotten once she didn't need me even though she made me believe otherwise?
Thing is, I don't know what to do with her now. She is a good person and I know it in my heart, but she has underlying issues with relationships and friendships due to her past experiences and family issues. She is also incredibly fickle and can do a 180, but in the moment she really believes what she does is the best action. I honestly do enjoy her company and we get along well every single time we hang out. And I have her full attention with genuine care when we do that. I am mature enough to be her friend despite knowing that I want to be with her. But I'm not sure if she's up to the task to be friends with someone knowing how he feels about her sexually and romantically. Afterall it's what blew it up all those years ago. We've always kind of tried things her way and it's always fired backwards. I know people will suggest me to go find someone else and I probably will, but I do not want to cut her off because she doesn't deserves that. Still it does sting a bit that she has rewritten the narrative/history in her mind and that does not sit right with me. So I feel like I should bring it up because it will bug me if left unsaid.
I'm sorry if I do not make much sense, I just thought it'd be best to let it out and ask for advice on what to do about her. Please do note that I'm not here asking how to win her over, if we are meant to be together it'll come back on its own without me having to try for anything or make it happen. I very much want her in my life and I am happy to be her friend. I do know that I will want more from her and she is aware of it too. But I'm not sure how to handle this right now and what to talk about with her. We are like two divorced people who get along well despite never fully being together. Yea I probably should've slept with her the countless number of times she stayed over at my place all those years ago lol, but I was inexperienced and naive back then.